Merry Freaking Christmas, With Love ~ Narcissist Dad

Over the years, Clyde constantly took me to court because Sweet Girl didn’t want to visit him. He played the “My ex-wife is evil and I’m just the victim” card with different judges and attorneys. In the summer of 2014, Clyde testified to a judge (with a single crocodile tear running down his cheek) that he had changed and just wanted a relationship with Sweet Girl.

*Fast-forward 18 months later*
Sweet Girl turned 18 and guess how often Clyde’s tried to contact her since she became a legal adult?
Answer: 0 times.

Now that Sweet Girl’s not a minor anymore, Clyde can’t use her to create drama in our custody battle and he’s written her off.

But just to rub it in and show her how much he’s written her off, this year for Christmas, Clyde mailed Happy Boy the first Christmas gift Clyde has ever sent:  a Kindle tablet…….. but he included nothing at all for Sweet Girl. No gift. No apology. A nice little slap-in-the-face.

I messaged Clyde and said we have two children. His response?

“I’m not going to send a present to someone I haven’t talked to in 5 years. It doesn’t matter who it is.”

………..
Yes, underneath all the lies and manipulation, that’s the father he really is. That’s the Clyde I know. Especially when he’s not showing off for the courts or in-laws. He’s quite different when his audience shrinks and his agenda changes.

The family court system needs to change.

Copycat

Happy Boy “accidentally” left a T-shirt in Mordor over summer break, which was a perfect excuse for Clyde to send a care package to Happy Boy, labeled “in care of Amy”.

Mr. & Mrs. Crazy moved over the summer without notification and, in their typical baiting fashion, they put their return address in extra large print — I’m sure hoping to start drama.

Alas, I care not.

They also included beef ramen in their package, with the knowledge that eating beef is against my religion – a super passive-aggressive move.

We simply tossed it out.

And finally, Clyde & Blah-Blah included a letter to Happy Boy, worded and formatted nearly identical to the letters Sweet Girl & I sent to Happy Boy over the summer.
Clyde even tried to include a private joke….. but apparently the joke was so private that even Happy Boy had no idea what it meant.

Obviously the inside jokes Happy Boy and I share drive Clyde crazy because he tried to copycat it in his letter… and failed miserably. Clyde doesn’t know or understand Happy Boy at all.

Another glaring sign of a sociopathic mind: The unimaginative copycat.

 

Parenting with a Sociopath

So to keep the peace and stop the crazy e-mails, I agreed to let Clyde take Happy Boy outside of his scheduled parent-time for the summer. What did I get in return?
Typical Clyde behavior.

I’d already purchased Happy Boy a non-refundable plane ticket to Mordor for the summer but Clyde insisted on driving 1,000 miles from Mordor to here, which doesn’t make any logical sense.

Why pay to drive when a ticket is already paid for???

I found out later Clyde probed Happy Boy for information and tried to find out where we lived to do the creepy drive-by-her-house routine. It sounds juvenile unless you’re dealing with someone who has arrested emotional development.

But I digress…..

Back to the topic of summer visitation. Clyde’s rules are that we’re not allowed to talk to Happy Boy unless Clyde’s next to him, whispering what to say. Clyde hides Happy Boy’s cellphone and won’t even allow him to text us.

Clyde tries to make it appear like he’s hiding something to instigate a response from me. When Clyde started to restrict our communication with Happy Boy, I told Clyde I’d simply write Happy Boy letters for the remainder of the summer.

I’ve learned it’s best to just ignore it. It eventually passes.

BUT this is exactly why you should never give in or be nice to a sociopath.
They’re like toddlers. You can’t reason with them. It’s figuratively equal to negotiating with a 2-year old. If you’re nice, you’re going to be seen as weak and punched in the stomach in return. They take, take, take and the only thing they give back is chaos……. and they’re always trying to start some type of conflict.

 

Here come the Cray-crays!

We’ve been back to court again. This time, Clyde filed an objection to his past due child support and tried to claim that we were living together during the time in question. Ugh.

I wonder if his version of reality looks like something created by Picasso?

Just like before, he showed up in court with nothing – absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support his arguments (and lies). Not a voided check. Not a signed lease. Not even an ATM withdrawal that would coincide with when rent is paid.

Not surprisingly, he lost.

I’m fairly certain it’s just more harassment instigated by Clyde’s new nutty wife who seems to have a bigger obsession with me than even he does. I swear she initiates court action just so I’ll have to fly back to Mordor so she can get a good look at me to see if I’ve put on weight or been disfigured in some way.

(And I’m happy to continually disappoint her)

The only thing worse dealing with than a narcissistic sociopath is dealing with their enabling mother and/or new partner. They become the dynamic duo (or trio) of cuckoo-land.

Now Blah-Blah has started up with the threatening emails again, pretending to be Clyde. When I read their emails, I always unconsciously raise an eyebrow and then blurt out the “WTF?” type of laugh. It’s almost like they think they can pick which court order they want to follow. It’s so hard to be cordial and bite my tongue when I really want to say, “You two are absolutely off-the-wall insane!”

I’m so tired of dealing with them. It’s beyond ridiculous. It’s no longer interesting or entertaining ~ reading their emails is like stepping into Bizzaro-World.

I thought getting a new, air-tight parenting plan would end all of this craziness but they’re insatiable. They NEED to fight and cause drama… and I have at least another 4-6 years of dealing with their warped version of reality.

Serenity now!

Wait, it’s 2015 already?

It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on here that I don’t even know how to create a post anymore.

So I started off my New Year with jumping in an ice cold lake ~ something I was finally able to check off my bucket list. Sweet Girl is doing wonderful in school and Happy Boy is still unwaveringly happy. His smile and laugh are contagious. Life is just plain great. I truly couldn’t be a prouder parent.

Yeah, okay, so I know you’re not on here so see how great things are going but hopefully this shows that life is full of its ups and downs, and you’d never realize how good it is unless you had a few downs. Keep that in mind when things get bleak.

DRAMA (the part you’re really here to read about)

So we left off in March 2013 where nothing really came of our trial or contempt hearing. To sum it up, we walked into the courtroom, judge looked over the case and basically implied “You two, grow up.”

That summer (2013), Sweet Girl turned 16 and marched herself down the courthouse to get an Order for Protection against Clyde with help from her domestic violence counselor. FINALLY! No more threats from Clyde, right?

Ha ha! WRONG.

Clyde fought Sweet Girl’s petition (and lost again).
Clyde then filed a petition to gain custody of Happy Boy.

The whole fiasco was frivolous. Clyde openly admitted in chambers that he didn’t really want custody, but once you learn and understand the family court system, you also understand that there are few consequences for just plain being a dick.

Clyde walked in the courtroom with NOTHING. Not one bloody paper or piece of evidence. It was a joke.

For trial, I had to take a half of week off from work; fly 1,000 miles to attend an unnecessary court hearing and spend $2,500 that I didn’t have in attorney’s fees, but that apparently didn’t occur to crazy Clyde who actually had the nerve to walk up to me after trial, put his hand on my shoulder and, in a soft voice, say: “If you ever need anything at all, you know where I am.”

(Just another laughable WTF?! moment brought to you by Clyde)

But I also walked out with an air-tight parenting plan. So all in all, it cost me about $2,500 to fight an unnecessary court battle; however, I got an order that finally settled everything. No more vague provisions and the Judge clearly said “I don’t want to see you two back in my courtroom.”

Now when Clyde tries to change things up, I just point to the section of our parenting plan that addresses the issue, politely smile and then walk away.

WHICH BRINGS US TO TODAY

When I received an email from “Clyde” that completely ignored our parenting schedule. The email said he wanted to take Happy Boy over my birthday… again, for the 4th consecutive year… outside of Clyde’s scheduled visitation.

So, apparently Clyde and Blah Blah are bored again because they pull some stunt every Spring, like clockwork. I was just hoping we’d finally skip a year; however, it appears the couple’s counseling isn’t working and they need something exciting to keep their mundane relationship alive.

(((((( heavy sigh ))))))

Clyde and I already discussed summer plans in private so I know this is actually Blah Blah writing… again.

I just hope this isn’t the start of more courtroom bullshit, but you never know with people like that…… because as the saying goes:

“Misery loves company”

 

One Year Later…

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure you’re not surrounded by assholes…” – author unknown

Clyde & I finally made it to court. Things did not start off on the right foot but I kept my composure. When the ruling was in my favor, BlahBlah was so angry that she stormed out of the courtroom before the judge finished speaking and Clyde’s mother and sister moaned through the entire hearing. Completely disrespectful, like they were on reality TV or an episode of Jerry Springer. The only two times Clyde spoke, nothing but lies came out of his mouth. I didn’t object, I just let Clyde dig his own grave. I’ve learned how to pick my battles. The more reasonable I am, the less reasonable he appears. Besides, the more rope you give to a liar, the more likely they are to hang themselves.

I’ve learned that if I don’t expect anything but deceit from a pathological person, I’m not caught off-guard when the acting starts. I end up laughing rather than getting upset over their blatant dishonesty and predictability.

When I saw Clyde in the courtroom, I didn’t even recognize him. He was a stranger. I didn’t feel animosity, or anger, or longing, or fear or… well… anything at all. It was like seeing a shell of a person. It’s so weird for me to look back and know he was the husband I lived with for more than 14 years. It’s even difficult to recall the depression I experienced for such a long time, when I lived with Clyde. I was in such a passive, survival state… such a fog… That life seems so long ago now, like it was a distant dream.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come since then. I’m extremely happy… happier than I’ve ever been. Romantic relationships aren’t anywhere on my list of priorities. I’m 150% okay with being “alone”. I’ve cut down on the amount of time I spend online and I’ve deleted nearly all of my social networking pages. I’m more at peace than what I thought was possible. Karma does work but you’ve got to give her space. She knows what she’s doing. Just be patient. Good things come to those who wait, and you definitely don’t need a “Prince Charming” in order to live happily ever after. If you’re dealing with a pathological person, remember the Golden Rule: NO CONTACT.

Relationships, even family ones, are a privilege… not a right.

Taking a Break from Psychopaths

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here but life’s roller-coaster started his uphill climb recently. Right now, things are good. I’m focused on the holiday, but if you need your narcissistic/sociopath/psychopathy fix, there’s a great article on CNN radio this week that can help keep you busy:

http://cnnradio.cnn.com/2012/11/09/cnn-profiles-the-psychopath-detector/?hpt=hp_abar
Cheers!

Limits

One of my favorite sitcoms is a show called “How I Met Your Mother”. On the show, the main character, Ted, is friends with a guy named Barney who is a diagnosed narcissist (i.e., high-functioning sociopath). After Ted discovers Barney had slept with his ex-girlfriend, he becomes furious and confronts Barney. This is the best line I’ve ever heard describing how normal people feel in a relationship or friendship with a sociopath:

Ted: “You know, I’ve seen you do some bad stuff… Some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I thought I was the limit.”

We all believe that WE are the limit with our sociopath. We think WE are the exception to their destructive behavior.

When we’re excused from their name-calling campaigns or public humiliation, we become grateful… like we were just pardoned from an execution. That’s why we think they care about us. It’s only after your usefulness has been depleted that you’ll see you were targeted all along but your brain was in such a passive, survival state that you tolerated their attacks. Back then, you said things like “Oh, that’s just how he is. He doesn’t mean it.”

Unfortunately, they do mean it.

Once I figured that out, I was able to heal. You know that old line: ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’?
Well, in dealing with sociopaths, it really wasn’t ME… it was actually THEM.

Now that I know what an amazing, kind person I am and what I want to do in life, the crazies are gone (although I do still get random texts and emails about every 6 months from one or two of my former psychos — and I have no idea how these people track me down).
I don’t let things upset me as much anymore. The longer I have that peace and serenity, the stronger and happier I become.

Does He Love Me?

So, you’re feeling a bit shaky about your relationship, huh?
What’s going on in your boyfriend’s head anyway?
Going over this checklist could help you figure out if they’re the normal bumps in a relationship…
or possibly something else you’ve never even considered.

(the checklist refers to a “he” but applies to all genders and sexual orientations)

_________________________________________________________________________

Remember when you first became romantically involved with your partner:

  • Did you earn the title of “best friend” or “love of their life” in less than 3 months?
  • Was he a fantastic listener?
  • Did you find yourself doing most of the talking?
  • Did you ever feel sympathetic towards what happened in his past?
  • Did he have nearly all the traits you were looking for in a partner?
  • Did you feel you’d found a soul-mate or like you were dating your mirror image?
  • Did he constantly text, e-mail, or call all day long?
  • Did he make unexpected appearances?
  • Did he want to spend all of his free time with you in just a matter of weeks?
  • Did he shower you with attention and/or gifts?
  • Did he immediately charm the room or use his sense of humor to gain acceptance from your co-workers, friends, and family?
  • Did something significant just happen in your life? (break-up, divorce, death)

_________________________________________________________________________

If you answered “yes” to most of these and you’ve been dating for at least
3-6 months, continue reading:

  • Do you catch your partner in lies, both small and big?
  • Does he seem to have “no filter” or does he use sarcasm to mask his behavior?
  • Are some of his excuses really strange?
  • Does he make fun of others or play cruel pranks on people?
  • If he has a long-time ex, is she often the topic of conversation – good or bad?
  • Does he deny saying things that you’re fairly certain he’s said in the past?
  • Do you feel like you’re carrying more than your share in your relationship?
  • Is he often late (or even absent) for romantic dates or important events?

______________________________________________________________________________

If you’re still reading this or you’ve been in this relationship for a while now:

  • Are you becoming jealous of his female friends, even though you’re not sure why?
  • Does he isolate you by saying things like ‘your male friends just want to have sex with you’?
  • Does he talk about other women trying to seduce or flirt with him?
  • Do you ever wonder if he’s lacking “common sense”?
  • Does he seem only motivated to do things when it benefits him in some way?
  • Do you feel the need to fix his life’s problems?
  • Does he seem to be really hurting inside and you believe you can help him heal?
  • Are you noticing he doesn’t have many long-term or close friends that live close by?
  • Does he make snide remarks about your family members or friends?
  • Does he have “no problem” taking money from you or others?
  • Does he talk about getting revenge on certain people?
  • Has he stalked anyone that you know of?
  • Does he say hurtful things and then get upset when people are offended? Even turning the tables around and saying things like “God, can’t you take a joke?!”
  • Does he encourage you to better yourself, only to make your life more difficult by not showing up on time or starting an argument when something important comes up?
  • When you’re allowed to go out without him, do you feel guilty for some reason?
  • Do you feel like he can be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
  • After a bad argument, can he instantly go back to acting like nothing happened?
  • Does he have financial problems or not honor his debts?
  • Does he have any substance abuse issues?
  • Does he give you the silent treatment or withhold love as punishment for confronting him?
  • Do you feel euphoric when he’s back to being caring and considerate again?
  • Do you, your family, or your friends say he acts like a child?
  • Do you find yourself “covering for him” or apologizing to others for his behavior?
  • Do you find yourself lecturing him on what he should be doing to better himself?
  • Have you made ultimatums but are afraid to follow through with the consequences?
  • Do you feel sorry for him, even when he’s at fault?
  • Do you feel like you’re going crazy?
  • Do you feel “addicted” to him?
  • Do you have that gut feeling that something isn’t right?

♡☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠♡

If most of this reflects your relationship…

You, dear friend, are likely entangled in what’s called a Psychopathic or Traumatic Bond.

Parasitic Ex’s Trail of Destruction

Pathological people leave the same trail of destruction. Nearly all of the survivors I’ve talked to exhibit the following symptoms and behaviors:

  • Questioning their own sanity (“Maybe it’s all in my head?”).
  • Questioning their own behaviors (“Maybe I am too angry or controlling?”)
  • Questioning their negative perception of the perpetrator (“Maybe it’s not as bad as I imagined?”)
  • Rationalizing their perpetrator’s poor behavior (“His/her parents were terrible. He/she can’t help how they turned out.”).
  • Fear of provoking or upsetting the pathological person.
  • Misplaced anger.
  • Lack of concentration.
  • Feeling like they’re “in a fog”.
  • Loss of interest in interacting with others.
  • Anxiety attacks.
  • Insomnia and depression – can’t fall asleep but can’t wake up, either.
  • Loss of appetite.
  • Sudden fits of crying.
  • Guilt for not making the relationship work or for leaving the pathological person.
  • Promiscuity or quick pursuit of a new relationship (fear of being alone).
    -or-
  • Isolation, mistrust, and extreme fear of intimate relationships.

And the list goes on.

The upsetting thing is that several of these victims are being wrongly diagnosed with bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia. I’m a psychology student so I can attest that many of our textbooks rarely cover abuse. Psychologists need to start being trained on abuse and its symptoms. It’s scary to think about how many people have been misdiagnosed because of this.

If you’re questioning whether you’re a bad person, then you’re not a narcissist/sociopath… and you’re likely not a bad person, either. Sociopaths have no conscience and, therefore, they don’t need to question if they’re “bad” because they don’t care. The world is their theater. They might act like they care to all that watch them, but their actions won’t match their words.

ALWAYS PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THEIR ACTIONS, NOT THEIR WORDS.

A sociopath’s words are like a hypnotic drug. Five years down the road, you’ll have yourself wondering how you could have fallen for such a blatant or absurd lie. They’re experts at deceit.

If your gut is telling you something isn’t quite right, listen to it. Don’t make excuses or think you’re just being paranoid. Our instincts are primal. They were given to us for a reason. We’ve survived as a species because of them. Use them!

Are you still feeling sorry for that sociopath in your life? These are some of the heartless things the N/S people in my life have said about the men or women they used (they love bragging about their conquests, entitlement, and “superiority”):

  • “She’s a bunny-boiler. She sent letters to my family saying I cheated on her and that’s why the wedding was canceled so I showed them some pictures I took of her when she was passed out. Now they all think she’s nuts.” (P.S. he did cheat)
  • “She said she kept having dreams I was cheating on her so I told her she was my soul-mate. I can’t believe that worked.” (P.S. another cheater)
  • “She’s really insecure about ____ so when she pisses me off, I tease her about it so she’ll shut up.”
  • “If you look close in the mirror, you can see her naked in the background. I put it up on Facebook and blocked her from the album so she doesn’t even know it’s posted.”
  • “Yeah, out of all of my bangs, she was my favorite. She had no self-respect so I could do whatever I wanted to her. Crazy sex. She’s so pathetic.”
  • “I framed her by sticking drugs in her purse and then calling the police.”
  • “I don’t think there is such thing as love. I just married his fat-ass because his family has money.”
  • “I don’t want to lose everything in a divorce but I think a woman needs an affair to feel alive.”
  • “I called her a c*** and she started crying. It was hilarious.”
  • “We still have sex when her husband’s gone. Sometimes I’ll even wear her husband’s robe and rub my d*** on it – like marking my territory, ha ha!”
  • “She’s an idiot. I keep cheating on her and she keeps taking me back. And she wonders why I don’t love her?!” (comment made directly in front of his wife)
  • “Yeah, I don’t know what it is. All the women I date seem perfect in the beginning and then they become crazy.” (comment made by a friend diagnosed with ASPD/NPD)
  • “Women are raised to serve men in their culture. They know how to treat a man the way he should be treated.” (after a confrontation about clapping his hands at his Chinese wife like a trained dog to fetch him butter)

______________________________

I had five male roommates so I’ve personally witnessed guys cheat or use multiple girls and then turn them against each other. Some of my more unrefined roommates did it for sport:

BAIT: Empathy.
They’d first talk about how mean or crazy their girlfriend was; how they bent over backwards and she still treated them like crap… or whatever sad story they could come up with that slightly smeared their partner in the process. Then the guy would share the blame in a very shallow way as to not seem too accusatory and look like he was the reasonable one:
“I take part of the blame, though. We just can’t communicate.”

HOOK: Flattery.
“You’re so sexy and beautiful. I can’t help it. You just turn me on.”
“I feel like I’ve known you forever. You totally get me.”
“It’s amazing. I’ve never had so much in common with anyone else.”
“You’re not like any woman I’ve met before. You’re the total package.”

REEL ‘EM IN: Sex.
If the girl was a one-night stand, she’d be kicked out and then they’d brag about how easy she was.
If the girl was a long-term mistress, the cycle would repeat. They’d swear to leave their girlfriend “at the right time” or say they couldn’t right now because they didn’t want to hurt their girlfriend’s feelings… some excuse or another.  They’d pit the two girls against each other. Call them both crazy behind their backs. Swear the other girl was the one who was lying. Then repeat the empathy, flattery, and sex cycle all over again.
Then laugh about it.

They’d brag to me and our buddies, but then act like Mr. Sensitive when other girls or their mutual friends were around.

Some of my male N/S “friends” even used me as their bait. They’d lead these girls to believe that we were more than roommates or friends, so when the girl would get jealous and start verbally attacking me, I was left wondering what the hell just happened. The sudden onslaught would only confirm his accusations of “See! I told you. She’s crazy!”.

Now I realize those girls were only “crazy” because they were being fed false stories to make them act “crazy”.

______________________________

Sociopaths are sick people who relish in controlling and manipulating others.