The Real Clyde – Cont-

The Porn Problem…

Way back in 1997, during the dawn of the World Wide Web, I’d found Clyde’s stash of pornography. I’m not talking Playboy or Hustler magazines. I’m talking about graphic images printed out on photo paper of under-developed girls who looked much too young to be lying around in the nude.

I confronted Clyde but his excuse was that the girls had to be at least 18 in order to post pictures online. The internet was a new phenomena and I didn’t know much about it.

My argument was and still is this: even if these tween look-alikes were actually 18 years old, why would you want to fantasize about someone who looks like they’re only 12?!

I approached the authorities and they agreed the girls looked unquestionably young, but they told me there was no way of knowing how old the girls were so there wasn’t anything they could do about it. So I lived with it.

Then almost a decade later, I discovered Clyde’s “secret” hard-drive. There were hundreds, possibly thousands of pornographic pictures and video. They included things like “Daddy does Babysitter”; young girls surrounded by teddy bears and dolls; snuff & gang-rape films; voyeuristic pictures of myself, and even pictures of my sister that had PhotoShop’d nude body parts.

This was extremely disturbing considering we had a daughter who was beginning to mature. Again, I contacted the authorities and again, I was told there was nothing they could do.

So I kicked Clyde out. He cried and vowed to change. He swore he’d get help. Months later, he showed up on my doorstep with a receipt from an abuse treatment center so I reluctantly took Clyde back; however, I was so disgusted that I couldn’t even bring myself to hug him. We became roommates, not husband and wife.

That’s when things started going downhill fast. Clyde got upset over everything, no matter how inconsequential it was. He would yell and scream vulgarities; say he wished I were dead and then proceed to tell me the ways he was going to kill me. He threw tantrums and slammed doors like a child. He’d tease our kids until they cried. He broke promise after promise to our daughter and it all began to take its toll.

One of the nights Clyde was out drinking with his brothers, our 9-year old daughter became angry and punched her 3-year-old brother in the back of the head, then she stood there in shock. She ran to her room crying and saying she wanted to die. She didn’t understand why she lost control and hit her brother. I called Clyde to tell him about the situation and asked him to come home. He responded with “I’m busy” and hung up the phone. After our daughter calmed down, she and I talked. She asked me why her dad is always spending time with other people and not her. I just hugged her while I thought silently, “Is staying in this marriage really a benefit to our kids?”

It’s funny how your family and friends can all tell you a million times what a jerk your husband is and you shrug it off, but it’s an earth-shattering moment when your child comes up to you and says, “Mom, I think you should divorce dad. He doesn’t treat you very nice.”

I finally filed for divorce.


I really think classes in psychology should be a requirement for young girls.
Maybe we would be less vulnerable if we knew a few truths:

so·ci·o·path (noun)
a person whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

  • A man with charisma can be very bad for your health. Making people laugh is a cherished talent BUT a sociopath will use it as a disarming mechanism. Take note, especially when the jokes are made at the expense of others.
  • The way a man treats and talks to or about his mother (or other women in his life) is likely the way he’ll end up treating & talking about you. We’re attracted to the familiar so if you think “Man, his mom’s a total pushover! Why does she let the men in this family treat her this way?” you might want to glance in the mirror.
  • Men who see women as objects (for their beauty; for sexual gratification; for ways that women take care of them) can’t be changed with one or two counseling sessions. There’s actually a less than 10% chance that they can change at all.They’ve been raised to think & behave this way since they were babies. To believe that you or some social worker can fix a life-long conditioning problem in a few, short sessions is ridiculous. Cut off all contact and each time you feel like calling him, call a close friend or your sponsor instead. You’ll likely need help keeping him out of your life.
  • Sociopaths don’t feel shame or remorse and can hurt or use another person without experiencing even an ounce of guilt. Trying to get them to recognize or take responsibility for their cruel or irresponsible behavior is a lost cause.
  • If someone jokingly says “I’m going to kill you” after you just posted an embarrassing picture of them on your webpage, I wouldn’t take it too seriously… BUT if someone tells you the ways in which they’d like to kill you and repeats it often, I’d start to distance myself from that person and maybe even buy a taser.

Not all attractive, funny men are good guys. That bad boy (or girl) with the heart of gold who suddenly undergoes a miraculous change once they “fall in love” is pure fiction. That’s not how the human psyche works. I could repeat this until I was blue in the face, but yet I’ll still see another friend insist that her dirt-bag boyfriend is different.

No, he’s not.

And you might be special & unique, but that doesn’t mean you have the power to turn a rotten egg into a golden one.

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