A Narcissist’s Worst Fear – Being Alone

A dear friend of mine told me that after she read my latest entry, she began to re-evaluate her own “ex” situation… and that empowered me. I think once people realize they’re not alone, they can stop feeling embarrassed about their situation or “naivety” (even though it not really being naive with a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath – it’s called being vulnerable).

Let’s psychoanalyze a few more of Clyde’s emails, shall we?

Below is the email exchange Clyde and I had the morning after I spoke with his former girlfriend.
Reading some of Clyde’s responses, you may feel taken in by his sincerity.

DON’T FALL FOR IT.

That’s how he works. This is how most narcissists work. They are smooth.  When they’re about to lose one of their admirers (called “narcissistic supply”) or they need to use someone to reach one of their goals, they pour on the flattery.

In the below email, Clyde appealed to my ego by saying things like “you’re my best friend”.

[“He thinks I’m his best friend? Golly gee! What an honor! That’s so nice!”]

Narcissists seem to use that line the most. I’ve had several male “friends” sucker me in with the best friend quote. Another good one is “You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met” or “I’ve never had a connection with anyone else like I have with you”… (read the 6th email down)
That’s how they make you feel so unique and irreplaceable. That’s why you’ll insist they’re your “soul-mate” or closest friend and you shouldn’t give up on them. They’ll change! They promise!

… but it’s all a Jedi mind-trick.


— On Wed, 09/03/08, Amy wrote:
From: Amy 
To: Clyde 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:12 AM
Why didn't you just tell me about her and that you loved 
her in the first place???

From: Clyde 
To: Amy 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:20 AM
Because I didn’t want to believe it myself.
I didn’t want to believe that I could love her when I 
still had feelings for you. She made me feel good. We 
were able to talk. We had fun. I was planning on getting 
serious with her……until I found the condom. It crushed 
me. It’s part of the reason that I got so freaked out when 
I did find out you were “out there”. It made it real for 
me. I couldn’t handle it and seriously weighed my 
relationship. I realized that while I did have feelings 
for her you meant more to me…a lot more. After that I 
started distancing myself from her. I didn’t tell her I 
loved her back because at that time I didn’t. She is a 
nice person and I didn’t want to hurt her. Even if we 
did have a relationship you would be there. You were my 
best friend and the one I would have gone to whenever her 
and I fought. There would always be that nagging in the 
back of her mind when I saw you and I didn’t want that.

From: Amy 
To: Clyde 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:26 AM
I see. That's why you loved *** right off the bat?
Because she fed your ego?
I hate you and I hate that you put she & I both through 
this!
I could have moved on knowing you had a girlfriend.
I could have been planning my OWN life right now.
You made me the mistress once again.
Thank you *Clyde* for not only risking my life but 
making me feel like a home-wrecker. I haven't caused 
you nearly enough damage.

From: Clyde 
To: Amy 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:32 AM
I realized that I love you.
I want to be with you.
You aren’t the mistress.
I stopped loving her in January. 
I wanted to make you feel like you were the only one.
I want to be good to you.
I love you *Amy*.

From: Amy 
To: Clyde 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:37 AM
What??? You don't just stop loving someone overnight!
Not without good reason!!!
You have such a low f***ing self esteem and you are so 
afraid to be alone that you don't KNOW what you want!
You would have kept both her & I a secret from each 
other forever if you had the chance.
You don't think you hurt me enough doing this before?
And yet I still took you back... 
Now you've done this to someone else, too?
I can't believe I wasted my life being with you.

From: Clyde 
To: Amy 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:39 AM
You are my good reason, and it wasn’t overnight.
I thought about it for a very long time.
You are my best friend and the mother of my children. 
We have a connection that I’ve never had with anyone else.
I decided that I want to be with you. 
I really want to make that happen.

From: Amy 
To: Clyde 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:44 AM
You have put me through this TWICE now *Clyde*...
You really think this situation is forgivable? Even as a 
friend?
Why do you continue to use me and hurt me time after time?
Because I let you!!!  That's why... well, shame on me.
I've learned my lesson. 

From: Clyde 
To: Amy 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:45 AM
I am trying to tell you that I love you and did choose you 
over someone else.
I realized that you are the best thing to ever happen to 
me.
I just want to be with you. I want that very badly.

From: Amy
To: Clyde 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 11:02 AM
You don't care who gets hurt as long as you get what you 
want.
If you loved me, you wouldn't have put my life at risk.
I would never do that to my kids or my family.
That's real love.
Not just "I don't wanna be alone" kind of love.
I can't deal with that mentally.
It's inconceivable on my part.
I finally see who you really are...

From: Clyde
To: Amy 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 11:03 AM
*Amy* please don’t do this.
I can and will change.
I love you and the kids.
I want this more than anything.

From: Amy
To: Clyde 
Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 11:06 AM
Again, YOU YOU YOU...
See what I mean?

I know… I know… it’s pretty convincing, isn’t it?
But there are a few things wrong with this heart-felt plea:

1) I asked Clyde why he kept his girlfriend a secret. Look at his response… 2nd email… he danced around the topic but he didn’t actually answer the question. When Clyde first started dating his girlfriend (and found the used condom by digging in my trash – yuck!), he said he was concerned about our friendship. The problem with that statement: At that time, Clyde & I were not friends at all… The only time we spoke back then was when he would come over to pick up our kids.
He’d try to talk to me. We’d fight. He’d leave.
Most of the time, the fights seemed to be deliberate so he could storm out without taking the children.

2) He talks about “love” like it’s a light-switch you can just turn on and off. He obviously doesn’t understand what feeling love is actually like. He met his girlfriend in November and stopped “loving” her by January. He only realized he “loved” me when he found out his favorite toy [me] was being played with by someone else. I’m an object. Nothing more. Clyde’s like a 3-year old who wants his discarded GI Joe back because he saw another toddler playing with it: “Mine!

3) His desperate plea was because I had helped support him in the past. His credit was terrible so he couldn’t get an apartment of his own. He lived with his mom but they always fought and he’d run to my house for sanctuary. His ex-girlfriend had the good sense and decency to not allow him to move in with her. The real reason why he “loved me more” is because of what I could do for him, not because of my redeeming qualities or the person I am.

4) Once a narcissist feels a relationship is ending, they’ll look for a new love interest or go back to an old one before the relationship is officially over. They can’t be alone. Clyde’s ex-girlfriend was pulling away after Clyde made an off-color joke about her children. She even broke up with Clyde briefly at one point. That’s another reason Clyde was trying so desperately to win me back. He had to secure another admirer (narcissistic supply) before his current supply left him.

5) I remember thinking it was bizarre that Clyde seemed to miss out on why I was so upset. He thought I’d feel better knowing I was “first place” or the chosen one, aka the winner. He couldn’t comprehend that I was upset because he hurt his ex-girlfriend, too, and I empathized with how she felt. For Clyde, it was entirely about winning.

6) It was also a nice touch when he casually threw the whole “you’re the mother of my children” in the 6th email down. Every correspondence I’ve had with Clyde, he’s proclaimed that he’s just trying to be a good dad… but you won’t find an email anywhere where I’ve had to proclaim “I’m just trying to be a good mom.” Clyde knew my fantasy was having a good father for our children and an intact family unit. Narcissists find out their victim’s desires and become that fantasy. That’s also why narcissists and sociopaths flock to online dating. They can find out everything they need to know about their victims ahead of time just by reading their victim’s social media or dating profiles.

I didn’t talk with Clyde much for the next couple of days so he sent me this email:


— On Fri, 09/05/08, Clyde wrote:
From: Clyde 
Subject: (no subject)
To: Amy 
Date: Friday, September 5, 2008, 9:28 AM
*Amy*, when we first met we were always together. Always 
hanging out.
We went to barbecues and up to the mountains.
I thought that was enough. It obviously wasn't.
Then we got pregnant.
I have always wanted to be there for you. It breaks my 
heart that I've done this to you.
Not because I'm lonely. I've been lonely most of my life.
It's because I loved being the person you could turn to, 
rely on. I'm sorry I can't be that person anymore.
I will always be there for the kids. even if you never 
speak to me again. I have realized what is important to me 
and who I want to be.
It is very late in my life to be doing this but it is 
going to happen.
I don't want to be my dad, and I don't want to remind you 
of yours. I am going to be a very large part of our kid's 
lives because that's what I never had.
I love them very much and want to prove to everyone that 
fact.
I do appreciate everything you have done for me in the 
past and especially appreciate what you have done for me 
in the past few weeks. If you hadn't beat my head in with 
how stupid and irresponsible I have been then I never 
would have seen it. I would have just tucked it away like 
I always did and pretend it didn't happen.
Again, thank you.

Bravo!!!
((audience clapping))
This is the kingpin of all pity parties and guilt trips.

“I’ve been lonely most of my life”……
Oh for heaven sake, someone pass me a Kleenex!

Then Clyde also THANKED me for yelling at him and showing him his irresponsibility? Wow.
This is manipulation at its finest, folks.

9 Comments

  1. Vanessa

    After reading the dialogue above between Clyde and Amy, how emotionally manipulative
    Narcissist are in love relationship. They know WHAT you want to hear and try to be soo damn convincing about it. My narcissist is great at hard selling me about what the house
    Should look like, what couch to buy, what to do this or that. They MUST be in control in every aspect In your life. Emotional Predators is key to them KNOWING your weaknesses and strengths in order to manipulate you. Oh, they will gaslight you for days maybe months on things, questioning your sanity.

  2. Mrsee7

    WOW WOW WOW!!! I wish I could share MY correspondence with my ex-Narc with you. It sounds EXACTLY the same! WOW!!! thank you so much for sharing. I’m so glad I was strong and survived the manipulation and the emotional traps of my ex-Narc. They are predators. They will scan you, spot each and every one of your vulnerabilities/insecurities/desires and use them against you over and over and over until your are annihilated, destroyed… THEIRS… in their full control. Then they will play with you in any way that makes them feel powerful and in control. They are sick. VERY sick. In such cases, let your survival/fighter instincts take over. You need to be your best friend and FIGHT. If you are a normal human being, with normal human feelings and emotions, do NOT try to play games and fight battles with Narcs. You will ALWAYS loose. Ironically, your emotions and your ‘humanness’ are your biggest vulnerabilities. Narcs will use your humanness against you. So don’t even try. You will always win for simply being a normal human being that FEELS. Best advice I can give anyone if they encounter or are involved with a Narc: RUN, RUN LIKE HELL, RUN AS IF YOUR HAIR WAS ON FIRE, RUN AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT… because guess what? IT DOES! Your life is at stake.

  3. Reading your email conversations with your ex narc reminds me of mine with my ex narc. Exactly the same only after I continue to ignore him he starts making threats and attacking me with put downs and insults. Then it cycles back to the pretend nice guy.

    • Mine still cycles 5 years later but he doesn’t phase me anymore. I’m to the point where I can actually laugh about it (and him). Stay strong and kind!

  4. Tom

    This echoes my experience with my ex-GF. I would describe her as a ‘narcissist lite’, whereas her mother and sister were much worse. In many respect she was incredibly loving, but all the hallmarks of narcissism were there; the lack of empathy, the overpowering envy, extreme possessiveness and jealousy, the inability to empathise, the delight in seeing happy people fail in relationships and astonishing hypocrisy etc. She hid is well most of the time, having learned what I would react adversely to. When her mother and sister attacked our relationship (I was not rich and powerful enough for their daughter) and it eventually crumbled, I thought I had lost someone ‘damaged but wonderful’ and later realised that with all the ups and down and constant anxiety I was already on the road to hell. My ex-gf has never been along and, despite her telling me she was going to take time out to ‘find herself’, she was with someone else immediately (overlap?). She kept telling him how wonderful I was and told me he was ‘pathetic’ when she first met him, but there she is with him three years later. He has a public profile job that feeds her need to be important, but has suffered a public disgrace (that looks not to have been his fault). Rather than support him, its evident she is now punishing him for screwing things up for HER! I was blind in that relationship and she was so DAMN GOOD at pulling me back in and telling me what my soul needed to hear. but not now. On my best days I pity her and on my worse I hate her. In fact I do not know who ‘her’ is. We had lived together overseas for years, but since she got back to D.C. that environment has just pulled out the shallow ‘taker’ and the ‘nice girl’ has disappeared entirely. She even cackled down the phone to me after we split up, saying how much ‘greener’ life is on the other side (referring to the wealth of her new sucker of a BF)…. but months later tried to get me back LOL!

    PS You are dead right about online dating. Six months ago I met four women on eHarmony, having spent three years researching NPD and sociopathy. Out of four, TWO showed very strong indications of being either NPD or sociopaths. With one I saw the mask slip in a big way (she verbally attacked me when I very politely explained that it was not working out for me) and the other had ZERO emotional world, was ultra-secretive and has a well covered nasty side I caught glimpses of that sent a chill to my core. Yup, your profile means that these people get an epic head start and, while they may be pretty women, that is no indicator of what lurks inside!

  5. susan

    This is unbelievably eerie. It looks almost identical to the texts I received from my x-N about his ‘love’ for someone else yet claiming he loved me more, followed up with a whole lot of drama. And actually trying to convince me off their love all at once (she said no more then once meanwhile he claimed she did love him). Hope your situation is bareable right now!

  6. Cathy

    Brilliant analysis! I had the “best friend” card used on me too. Was not treated like one though….

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