A Narcissist’s Worst Fear – Being Alone
A dear friend of mine told me that after she read my latest entry, she began to re-evaluate her own “ex” situation… and that empowered me. I think once people realize they’re not alone, they can stop feeling embarrassed about their situation or “naivety” (even though it not really being naive with a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath – it’s called being vulnerable).
Let’s psychoanalyze a few more of Clyde’s emails, shall we?
Below is the email exchange Clyde and I had the morning after I spoke with his former girlfriend.
Reading some of Clyde’s responses, you may feel taken in by his sincerity.
DON’T FALL FOR IT.
That’s how he works. This is how most narcissists work. They are smooth. When they’re about to lose one of their admirers (called “narcissistic supply”) or they need to use someone to reach one of their goals, they pour on the flattery.
In the below email, Clyde appealed to my ego by saying things like “you’re my best friend”.
[“He thinks I’m his best friend? Golly gee! What an honor! That’s so nice!”]
Narcissists seem to use that line the most. I’ve had several male “friends” sucker me in with the best friend quote. Another good one is “You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met” or “I’ve never had a connection with anyone else like I have with you”… (read the 6th email down)
That’s how they make you feel so unique and irreplaceable. That’s why you’ll insist they’re your “soul-mate” or closest friend and you shouldn’t give up on them. They’ll change! They promise!
… but it’s all a Jedi mind-trick.
— On Wed, 09/03/08, Amy wrote:From: Amy To: Clyde Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:12 AM Why didn't you just tell me about her and that you loved her in the first place??? From: Clyde To: Amy Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:20 AM Because I didn’t want to believe it myself. I didn’t want to believe that I could love her when I still had feelings for you. She made me feel good. We were able to talk. We had fun. I was planning on getting serious with her……until I found the condom. It crushed me. It’s part of the reason that I got so freaked out when I did find out you were “out there”. It made it real for me. I couldn’t handle it and seriously weighed my relationship. I realized that while I did have feelings for her you meant more to me…a lot more. After that I started distancing myself from her. I didn’t tell her I loved her back because at that time I didn’t. She is a nice person and I didn’t want to hurt her. Even if we did have a relationship you would be there. You were my best friend and the one I would have gone to whenever her and I fought. There would always be that nagging in the back of her mind when I saw you and I didn’t want that. From: Amy To: Clyde Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:26 AM I see. That's why you loved *** right off the bat? Because she fed your ego? I hate you and I hate that you put she & I both through this! I could have moved on knowing you had a girlfriend. I could have been planning my OWN life right now. You made me the mistress once again. Thank you *Clyde* for not only risking my life but making me feel like a home-wrecker. I haven't caused you nearly enough damage. From: Clyde To: Amy Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:32 AM I realized that I love you. I want to be with you. You aren’t the mistress. I stopped loving her in January. I wanted to make you feel like you were the only one. I want to be good to you. I love you *Amy*. From: Amy To: Clyde Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:37 AM What??? You don't just stop loving someone overnight! Not without good reason!!! You have such a low f***ing self esteem and you are so afraid to be alone that you don't KNOW what you want! You would have kept both her & I a secret from each other forever if you had the chance. You don't think you hurt me enough doing this before? And yet I still took you back... Now you've done this to someone else, too? I can't believe I wasted my life being with you. From: Clyde To: Amy Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:39 AM You are my good reason, and it wasn’t overnight. I thought about it for a very long time. You are my best friend and the mother of my children. We have a connection that I’ve never had with anyone else. I decided that I want to be with you. I really want to make that happen. From: Amy To: Clyde Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:44 AM You have put me through this TWICE now *Clyde*... You really think this situation is forgivable? Even as a friend? Why do you continue to use me and hurt me time after time? Because I let you!!! That's why... well, shame on me. I've learned my lesson. From: Clyde To: Amy Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 10:45 AM I am trying to tell you that I love you and did choose you over someone else. I realized that you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I just want to be with you. I want that very badly. From: Amy To: Clyde Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 11:02 AM You don't care who gets hurt as long as you get what you want. If you loved me, you wouldn't have put my life at risk. I would never do that to my kids or my family. That's real love. Not just "I don't wanna be alone" kind of love. I can't deal with that mentally. It's inconceivable on my part. I finally see who you really are... From: Clyde To: Amy Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 11:03 AM *Amy* please don’t do this. I can and will change. I love you and the kids. I want this more than anything. From: Amy To: Clyde Date: Wednesday, September 3, 2008, 11:06 AM Again, YOU YOU YOU... See what I mean?
I know… I know… it’s pretty convincing, isn’t it?
But there are a few things wrong with this heart-felt plea:
1) I asked Clyde why he kept his girlfriend a secret. Look at his response… 2nd email… he danced around the topic but he didn’t actually answer the question. When Clyde first started dating his girlfriend (and found the used condom by digging in my trash – yuck!), he said he was concerned about our friendship. The problem with that statement: At that time, Clyde & I were not friends at all… The only time we spoke back then was when he would come over to pick up our kids.
He’d try to talk to me. We’d fight. He’d leave.
Most of the time, the fights seemed to be deliberate so he could storm out without taking the children.
2) He talks about “love” like it’s a light-switch you can just turn on and off. He obviously doesn’t understand what feeling love is actually like. He met his girlfriend in November and stopped “loving” her by January. He only realized he “loved” me when he found out his favorite toy [me] was being played with by someone else. I’m an object. Nothing more. Clyde’s like a 3-year old who wants his discarded GI Joe back because he saw another toddler playing with it: “Mine!”
3) His desperate plea was because I had helped support him in the past. His credit was terrible so he couldn’t get an apartment of his own. He lived with his mom but they always fought and he’d run to my house for sanctuary. His ex-girlfriend had the good sense and decency to not allow him to move in with her. The real reason why he “loved me more” is because of what I could do for him, not because of my redeeming qualities or the person I am.
4) Once a narcissist feels a relationship is ending, they’ll look for a new love interest or go back to an old one before the relationship is officially over. They can’t be alone. Clyde’s ex-girlfriend was pulling away after Clyde made an off-color joke about her children. She even broke up with Clyde briefly at one point. That’s another reason Clyde was trying so desperately to win me back. He had to secure another admirer (narcissistic supply) before his current supply left him.
5) I remember thinking it was bizarre that Clyde seemed to miss out on why I was so upset. He thought I’d feel better knowing I was “first place” or the chosen one, aka the winner. He couldn’t comprehend that I was upset because he hurt his ex-girlfriend, too, and I empathized with how she felt. For Clyde, it was entirely about winning.
6) It was also a nice touch when he casually threw the whole “you’re the mother of my children” in the 6th email down. Every correspondence I’ve had with Clyde, he’s proclaimed that he’s just trying to be a good dad… but you won’t find an email anywhere where I’ve had to proclaim “I’m just trying to be a good mom.” Clyde knew my fantasy was having a good father for our children and an intact family unit. Narcissists find out their victim’s desires and become that fantasy. That’s also why narcissists and sociopaths flock to online dating. They can find out everything they need to know about their victims ahead of time just by reading their victim’s social media or dating profiles.
I didn’t talk with Clyde much for the next couple of days so he sent me this email:
— On Fri, 09/05/08, Clyde wrote:From: Clyde Subject: (no subject) To: Amy Date: Friday, September 5, 2008, 9:28 AM *Amy*, when we first met we were always together. Always hanging out. We went to barbecues and up to the mountains. I thought that was enough. It obviously wasn't. Then we got pregnant. I have always wanted to be there for you. It breaks my heart that I've done this to you. Not because I'm lonely. I've been lonely most of my life. It's because I loved being the person you could turn to, rely on. I'm sorry I can't be that person anymore. I will always be there for the kids. even if you never speak to me again. I have realized what is important to me and who I want to be. It is very late in my life to be doing this but it is going to happen. I don't want to be my dad, and I don't want to remind you of yours. I am going to be a very large part of our kid's lives because that's what I never had. I love them very much and want to prove to everyone that fact. I do appreciate everything you have done for me in the past and especially appreciate what you have done for me in the past few weeks. If you hadn't beat my head in with how stupid and irresponsible I have been then I never would have seen it. I would have just tucked it away like I always did and pretend it didn't happen. Again, thank you.
This is the kingpin of all pity parties and guilt trips.
“I’ve been lonely most of my life”……
Oh for heaven sake, someone pass me a Kleenex!
Then Clyde also THANKED me for yelling at him and showing him his irresponsibility? Wow.
This is manipulation at its finest, folks.